if i had known it was the end would i have done any different?<

i'm thoroughly convinced

that

i've never loved anybody more

& all to no avail.




i'll probably start blogging every day again once school starts back up. it's been hard to find moments for myself recently. i'm surrounded by friends all the time. to tell the truth i feel a bit suffocated. but in a good way.

why hello.

i never have time to blog anymore.
apologies.
i haven't forgotten.
i still care.


my friends just have a habit of never leaving me alone.


not that that's a bad thing.

new boy in the picture. but he's a secret.
still in love with J?

sometimes in life you just need handpuppets.

vacation was nice.
because i live for dealing with family dysfunction and excessive amounts of fatty foods and soda.

just kidding, i wanted to shoot myself.



i've been back in town for about 28 hours now.
i got home, started to unpack, and then J came over and we had our little reunion... yeah.

then D came and the three of us went to get pizza & ice cream. came back to my house, played candy land. then D took me to M's house, where we filmed stuff, colored in the dark, watched bad stand-up, ate really good teriyaki noodles, etc.

this morning, M & i walked over to K's house, and the three of us proceeded on a very pleasant bikeridng adventure. then K & i went swimming.

came back to my house, and started to plow my way through the mountain of laundry that is taking over my bedroom floor.


life's good summer's good i'm good.

i will probably blog about the new J situation later. exciting.

escape by the water, not sick of it, it only gets harder.

i skipped a day.

yesterday was not bad.
K came over, and i made her a cd.
J and i went on a walk. nothing special. sat at a construction site by the lake, and on the way back we saw an owl in a tree.

i've decided that he can be one of my dearest friends, if i can just get over this stupid crush on him.

the big scary pit bull that lives on my street, and always tries to eat me & J, got taken away today, for eating someone's cat. welcome to the ghetto.

& i swear on a dead artist's grave.

i leave sunday.
and some fresh air is exactly what i need.

with a pat on the back they say 'honey, it's time to move on.'

i wanted to see my best friend today.

oh home sweet home.

i'll be seeing you soon.

i am loyal because i was simply raised that way.

i want to write again.

you make me nervous so i really can't eat.

when did we fall so far?


so much for not chasing the jerks anymore. went to steak & shake for the second night in a row, but this time with J & his friend A.

i find myself falling into this hole all over again.

but did i really expect any different?

against the walls, against your rules, against your skin.

mall & steak&shake tonight with my buds. exciting.

love.
lovelovelove.

i've decided i'm gathering my emotional baggage, and moving on. getting over J. it's just not worth the energy anymore. i need to stop chasing after the jerks, and start chasing after love.

we accept the love we think we deserve.

i've been in love once. real, true, deep, love. i want that feeling back. the feeling that you've found a missing part of your soul, the feeling that someone knows you better than you know yourself, and that maybe you never really knew yourself in the first place. i want someone who can be my best friend, who i can be totally comfortable with. i want to make someone as happy as they make me. i don't want the passionate, temporary, angsty, mostly physical love that is most teenage relationships. i want it to be meaningful, lasting, emotional, touching breathing living, feeling. that's exactly what i want. and i won't settle for less anymore.

to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.

please stop trying, my head.

hmm.
so now on the topic of forgiveness, and frienship.

the girl responsible for ruining my relationship with B apologized to me, and i was more than happy to forgive her. scratch that, she wasn't responsible for it, he was. i was. it was a group effort.

it's the best feeling, just having your anger with someone be lifted away like that... forgiveness is a truly beautiful thing. for some people it's hard. i suppose you have to be really secure with yourself and your actions. you have to realize that noone is infallible, not even yourself.

meanwhile, apparently M is mad at me. which breaks my heart, because she's one of my dearest friends, and she means so much to me. the reason she's mad at me is that i 'stole her friends.'

see what happened was, she introduced me to a group of amazing people, and we all had loads of fun hanging out together. but she's been away a lot this summer, so they haven't been able to hang out with her that much. and i guess me hanging out with them without her hurts her. which i can understand, she's been gone. but things will be just the way they were before when she comes back. they still love her just as much as they did before. i still love her just as much as i did before. they're still her friends. there's just a new addition to the group.

i miss her.

i didn't mean for this to happen.

oh no, i could never walk away from you.

thoughts.

you may see me as the vivacious teenager with loads of friends and a big smile.
you may see me as the attention starved little girl who makes video blogs and spends unhealthy amounts of time on the internet.
you may see me as the young woman who is mature beyond her years.
you may see me as the obnoxious kid down the street who doesn't know how to use her inside voice.

all of these are fine by me. as long as you also see me as a person.

we are all people, when it comes down to it. before you are asian, you are a person. before you are homosexual, you are a person. before you are a cripple, you are a person.

the media has a problem with dehumanizing people. we see britney spears as a 'celebrity', a 'trainwreck', a 'diva', before we see her as a person. perhaps that is what makes it so easy for us, as a society, to gossip and scrutinize 'celebrities' on the glossy pages of magazines across america, without any regard for how it might make them feel.

this is what makes it easy for us to swallow '12 carbombed soldiers' or '20 murdered iranian protesters' or '50,000 massacred sudanese'.

what if the media labled them as HUMAN BEINGS instead? 12 carbombed people. 20 murdered people. 50,000 massacred living breathing people with feelings, emotions, families, lives, futures, purpose.

we are all people.
we are all human.
we all make mistakes, we all love, we all breathe, we all think, we all FEEL.

no one person has more value than another.

when did we start treating people as objects, as minor expenditures, as statistics?

and when will it stop?

fuck, we're in fucking maitland? what a fat fucking sack of fuck!

summersummersummer.

hmm, much to write about today. i was nonstop beast mode today.

woke up around eight in the morning, and went to rock springs with K & the eighth grader i hit on at that party... they're talking now. his name starts with K too. this may get confusing. but yes, K&K are going to be an item soon. it was really awkward for me, because for the most part i was playing third wheel, and also, once you really start talking to boy K, it becomes increasingly clear how young and annoying he really is. my bad. but whatever floats K's boat.

after that, i rushed home and showered and mapquested my way to D's house for her birthday celebration. cookie cake, swimming, and bishop moore kids. made my life.

after this, we grabbed our rinsing buddies and got ready to go to the movies. we were supposed to see transformers 2. but it was sold out when we got there. so me, A, & T took a detour into the mall to grab a blue slurpee & a cinnamon pretzel. then we all went & bought tickets for year one... but decided we'd rather sneak in and see the hangover. i pretty much died laughing.

but all the real fun happened on the way home. see, T, D, & i got lost. hopelessly lost. very very very very lost. driving-around-for-an-hour lost. then, as soon as we found our way again, T accidentally made an illegal u-turn. in front of a cop.

he got off with just a citation, but they searched his car and everything. intense.

so i waltz in at 12:45 am. it's lovely how my parents don't mind.


anyways. today was fun. i wouldn't change any of it.

oh jesus, going to hang out with J tomorrow. great.

i wasn't pimping you out, i was helping you network.

everytime i see your face, my heart smiles.

lazy day. rain, bike riding with K. same old. same old.

tomorrow, i'm getting up bright and early to go to the springs with her, then going to D's for her birthday celebration. going to see T & A. i'm so excited.

lovelifelovelifelovelife


A texted me today, letting me know she saw J at the mall.

being the nosy, insecure, infatuated teenage girl i am, i asked who he was with.

it was a guy.


oh, unrequited love.

you smell like stripper and shame.

he's bald. what color is his hair? he's bald.

today was my idea of a perfect summer day.

rolled out of bed late. pulled my hair back and rode my bike to get sweet tea with my best friend. came back to her house, and floated in the pool, soaking up the sun. sat on the rooftop at dusk. it was nice.

i smell like sun, chlorine, and sweat. the smell of summer.

make every day count.

it's only just a matter of time before you get down and out.

that's what your mom said.

last night was possibly one of the funner nights i've had, full of inside jokes galore, five am chubby bunny games, obnoxious skittle throwing, smores, and all around teenage inappropriateness.

K pushed me in the pool with all my clothes on, that was fun.

J was there until like elevenish. i fell asleep on his lap until he had to leave.

'i miss mah pillowwww.'
'awwww :)'
'nyahhhhhh ):'
'i'm sawwyyy! affs!'
'fo lyfe!'

wow, i am pathetic.

this is my first fathers day ever with my dad. i made him a card and tried not to be awkward.

so i think i'm going to catch up on some much needed sleep. i think i was at home for about three hours yesterday, and the rest of the weekend i've been... not here.

you're a bigger trainwreck then britney spears circa 2007.

i ain't scared of your fist, or your mother freaking lies.

i live for days like this.

M is back. you have no idea how much i missed her. she's leaving again soon, for alaska. but i spent the night at her house last night, and her birthday party is tonight, and i'm spending the night afterwards. good stuff.

epic text message conversation with J for the day:

'well, while you have fun with that, i'll be... doing something better with someone cooler!'
'wow the only thing that can fit THAT description is if you play checkers with sean connery.'
'ego much?'
'no, i haven't had waffles in a while, actually.'
'i will end you.'
'that sounds hawt.'

we were actually supposed to hang out today before michelle's party, but he bailed. stupid.

i will not be a stupid little girl i will not be a stupid little girl i will not be a stupid little girl.

mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

i'll teach you everything you need to know, how to love & feel it in your bones.



i had my operation today on my knee. it was painful, but it was quick.

text conversation with J:

'awhh i am sorry it hurt, but it probably would've been way worse if they had acidified it.'
'true truee, i'm a very lucky bitch.'
'if lucky is like secret code for freakin hawt then maybe.'

also. i'm actually going OUT tonight. getting away from this stupid neighborhood for once. i've gotten lazy. J & K are like the only people i ever see just because they live so close by.

but me & D are going to go to the dollar theater since we're both broke, & it should be fun.

i love my friends. without them, i would be much more pathetic & bored.

be everything that makes you scared, do everything that makes you lie.

the greatest thing that happened to me today?
i found a pair of walkie talkies in one of the drawers in my kitchen.
J & i plan on using them as soon as we get batteries, since our plan to use two tin cans & a string didn't exactly pan out.


and i don't think you're beautiful, i think you're beyond it.


i want to fall in love.

well, that's a nice change of pace from what you usually put in your mouth.

i think i've gotten over the events of yesterday. for now, at least.
he's making me a bracelet, since i don't have any.

there's no going out for me tonight, my dad is sick and someone needs to take care of the four year old while my stepmom is at work... ugh.

i hate being stuck at home.

do you think it would be socially acceptable for me to start carrying around a dora the explorer lunchbox as a purse?

even sleeping beauty has nightmares.

so today, i proved myself right!

i'm hopeless, stupid, and silly.

i'll choose illusion & safety a hundred times over;
i'm prepared to be happy & deceived.
i'm supposed to be happy & deceived.

please tell me darling, why you're so far away when i need you beside me tonight?

i am not a fan of walking home at eight AM after two hours of sleep.





please don't forget to call me, just to let me know that you're doing okay; miles away from me.


going to hang out with J today. watching juno.
i'm so stupid, you know? like i know what i'm doing. i know he's hurting me, and it's all going to hurt me more in the long run, but it's like... i don't know. it's not like i'm incapable of applying critical thinking skills. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm a stupid silly teenage girl getting her stupid silly hopes up and me & him both know this.




and if this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me.

when all is said & done, will i be the one whose left alone again?

rolled out of bed at 3:10 pm. no shower, no food. just waddled on over to the computer, one contact in. don't feel like doing much today.



mosquitoes, pavement, & sharpies have gone to town on my legs.


maybe i'll go see a movie today? what's even playing?


i honestly can't wait to get out of town. tennessee, georgia, cruise, lake placid... all these trips seem so far away. i should get in touch with my aunt. see if she'll let me stay with her in tampa for a day or two. i need to get away.


get away from apopka, mostly.


scratch that, get away from the people of apopka, mostly.


one person in particular.


i hate him, i hate how i had to delete the paragraph i just wrote about why i hate him.


my hair looks like someone ran over me with a zamboni.


i've spent two days in a row at home, i should get out and do something.


but it's raining.




no excuses, today, i'm going to go out.






iloveyou<3

on display through a soul still breaking.

first post.


i speak entirely in song lyrics, quotes from my favorite films, & pictures.